Sheehan, Chavez Give Dem Response to Bush Speech
by Scott Ott


(2006-01-30) — Cindy Sheehan, the California woman who parlayed the death of her soldier son into a successful public speaking and writing career, will join Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez Tuesday night to deliver the Democrat response to President George Bush’s State of the Union address.

“Our choice of Cindy and Hugo demonstrates our commitment to diversity, and personifies our platform for the future,” said Howard Dean, chairman of the Democrat National Committee (DNC). “Plus, they’re among the few well-known progressives who didn’t vote to support the war in Iraq while publicly attacking the Bush administration for its policy toward Iraq.”

Mr. Chavez, whose generous contribution of cheap oil prevented the freezing deaths of thousands of residents of the impoverished commonwealth of Massachusetts, said his rebuttal of the Bush speech will constitute “a major counter-terrorism offensive.”

Mrs. Sheehan, a potential candidate for Dianne Feinstein’s Senate seat, said, “I’ve never given a speech for a national television audience, so I’m going to spend the next 24 hours organizing my thought, and turning that thought into a good rhyming chant.”

Mr. Dean said the DNC has given Mrs. Sheehan a small stipend for her efforts that should cover the cost of laundering her t-shirt.

From the same source:
Fatah Denies Hamas Right to Exist, Builds Fence
by Scott Ott


(2006-01-28) — The late Yassir Arafat’s Palestinian Fatah movement today declared that the Hamas party has no right to exist, and announced plans to build a security fence between its people and predominantly-Hamas neighborhoods.

The move follows a day of gun battles sparked by a landslide Hamas victory in parliamentary elections.

The vote precipitously shifted the balance of power in the Palestinian territory from Fatah, a corrupt terrorist party, to Hamas, a terrorist party which has not yet had an opportunity to develop a reputation for corruption by governing.

An Hamas spokesman immediately announced that Fatah should be “wiped off the map” or at least relocated to Europe.

Meanwhile, former U.S. Presidents Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton, each of whom solved the Middle East crisis during his presidency, have rushed to the region in an attempt to “patch up this Bush administration foreign policy failure” with negotiations aimed at restoring peace by “getting Fatah to give Hamas a bunch of land or something.”

http://www.scrappleface.com/?p=2160

This one also.

January 28, 2006
Hamas Takes Responsiblity for Election Bombshell
by Scott Ott


(2006-01-28) — Hamas yesterday took responsibility for its victory in Palestinian parliamentary elections, a political bombshell that reverberated around the world.

“We are a very responsible party,” said an unnamed Hamas spokesman from behind a dark veil, “The Palestinian people trust us because we are always taking responsibility.”

The source said Hamas has been responsible for reducing crowding at public shopping and entertainment venues, decreasing global warming by taking greenhouse gas-producing city buses out of service and widening the openings at border crossings between Israel and the Palestinian territory.

“We also have done our part responsibly to prevent overpopulation,” he said. “We are now ready to take responsibility for governing the Islamic Republic of Palestine and its nearby Zionist territory.”